FATHER'S DAY 2013

Today is Father's Day.  Kind of a quiet day around the house as it is only me, Dad and the caregiver.  Dad got some sweet gifts from my brother and sister (including chocolate, of course) and I got him a card.  He's very difficult to buy for.  He won't leave the house to go out to eat.  I always feel like I'm letting him down on such occasions.  Yes, he loves the chocolate, he could use new shirts, but not a single thing comes to mind that would really bring a smile to his face.  There isn't much that does that anymore.  He looks at the cards that he received over and over and he will probably read them several times a day for the next few days.  Maybe that's what makes him happy, it's just so hard to see, to know.  That's one of the sad parts.  

My kids are all gone this weekend, so maybe we can all get together for a cookout soon.  Even that won't give me the results that I long for......a happy place for my Dad.  Too many people in the house end up making Dad agitated and restless.  I love family time - it just isn't the same anymore.  Nothing is the same anymore.  

My brother and sister-in-law called today and that always brightens him up.  The only bad thing is that Dad is getting so hard of hearing, it's difficult for him to talk on the phone.  At least they call.  My other brother hasn't talked to my Dad in almost 22 months - not since the day my Mom passed away.  How sad is that?  As difficult as it is, I am the blessed one to have this time with my Dad.  

I wrote the following on August 23, 2009, not long after we had gotten the diagnosis of Dementia.  I had suspected something before that, but hearing that word and seeing the disappearing of someone that you love is devastating.  

MY DADDY
Naval Officer, preacher, teacher, scholar, mentor, counselor, friend.
My dad has done many things and has touched many lives.
To me he was the one that would hold me, feed, me and play with me with one hand and study for a mid-term with a book in the other hand; the one that took me and my brothers to town every Saturday morning when we were little and bought us candy at the dime store; the one that said he would spank me when we got home, but would always "forget"; the one with a soft heart that I saw sob when I made him a room full of Father's Day cards when I was 5; the one that would threaten to break the neck of any boy that broke my heart; the one that lovingly told me "No" as a teenager but took the time to explain why; the one that as a little girl he would give me his finger to hold onto as we walked along and then 25 years later I watched him teach my baby girl to walk in that same way.
My dad has always been a teacher. He taught young sailors how to be the best they could be, he preached and taught God's word for 50 years; he taught Greek to young men and old both in the classroom and in his home over coffee and cake.
But he taught me a quiet, gentle patience; he taught me discipline and unconditional love, he taught me how to pray, he taught me what a loving and adoring husband looks like.
He believed in me and was always proud of me no matter what.
Now as I look at my Dad, he looks like my Dad but where did he go? Although I know its still there, all of the brilliance of his mind is locked away deep inside. Dementia is an ugly word, a word I have grown to hate. I miss the man that he was and am trying really hard to adjust to the man that he is now. Forgetful, confused, angry sometimes and frustrated.
My dad has been many things to many people, but to me he's just my Daddy.

Four years after writing this we have all been through a lot.  Too many changes, many of them very sad.  We plug along day after day, with the help of caregivers, each day just the same as the others and yet every day different.  Good days, bad days.  Plugging along......

Father's Day 2013.  I don't know how many more I will have with my Dad.  I will cherish every single day.